So it was a good day for the most part.

So it was a good day for the most part. But instead of going to bed
early like a good boy, I stayed up watching 3 episodes of grey's
anatomy. The last episode I watched was the one where georges dad
dies. And I cried. Because I miss my boyfriend. An I told myself I
wish I would just stop loving him. I hate this. It's been almost three
months. Our three year annaversery would be coming up on the first of
august. I feel stupid. I feel stupid. I feel overwhelmed and
frustrated and sad and I feel like crying some more because it makes
me feel better, but it doesn't make anything in real life better. And
I hate it. I want brent back. I miss him. But I don't miss him. He
cheated on me twice for christ's sake. I guess I wish I could have
shown him the same pain he showed me, but I know he probably wouldn't
have even gave a damn. And that makes me sad. Because deep down
inside, he really doesn't care. And its sad how pathetic he is that he
can't even have told me from the first place. I wish I coils just feel
cold to him, but instead, a still feel his warmth. Stupid stupid nick.

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So here I am again.

So here I am again, but today isn't so bad. I think because I spent it
with friends. K, Kyky, and I went to BJ's after I got off of work
today and it was nice to get to spend some time with friends after
feeling like crap all day. When is this going to end? I know he isn't
feeling like this. He is probably living it up, partying and shit. But
nick... Remember you have school to and he doesn't. What is he doing
with his life? Nothing really! That will be you partying in two weeks,
but right now you have to stay focused! Keep the drive going! Only two
weeks left, get your A, then you can go out and party every night for
christ sake! Now I just have to find people to go it and party with.
Maybe a weekend trip to go see matt in los osos?or perhaps that trip
to hurricane harbor that tabi wants to go on! Think cheap! Free
classes at the gym! Hiking with monica....um.... Any better suggestions?

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Ok. So I think I am officially losing it.

Ok. So I think I am officially losing it. Tonight I starred having a
conversation with myself about stuff. Lots of things actually. I
talked about my issues with brent, my penis issues, how I want to lose
weight and how I didn't go to the freakin gym for 45 mins today to get
up and eat a bowl of frosted flakes!! I swear to god. Sometimes I wish
I could just shut my brain up. Maybe I should be on medication...maybe
I should go to the doctor or the therapist. But I don't know that I
really have anything to talk to him about other then the break up I
guess... I have some self esteem issues, but I'm tryingto work on
them. I guess I just feel like im not good enough for some people, but
why do I care about those people? They don't mean shit to me. I barely
even know most of the people who I wish would call me to hang out. I
think I'm just jealous is what it is, like usual. I really do need to
work on that because its getting old really fast. I'm ready to love me
for me and I'm tired of trying to make everyone else happy! So why am
I sitting here in bed on my iPhone instead of trying to do something
about it? Oh yeah! Its freakin 12am! ::sigh:: what a cry baby I am lol.

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